Hey mama, said the way you move, gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove...
A Newbie's Heuristic Primer to Hedonistic Pleasure (on the dance floor...)
For starters, if you want to learn how to dance well, don't, because if you're reading this, you can't. Instead, this primer serves a quick, handy-dandy way of *faking it*. As with many other human activities (such as carpentry, auto maintenance, and the Spanish language), *faking it* is an extraordinarily important skill when you can't cut it in real life. So, here goes:
1) At all times, keep in mind the image of Kevin James from the film "Hitch", and remember that no matter how stupid he looked, he still ended up with a Cameron Diaz look-a-like. Note: He did *not* end up with Cameron Diaz, but by faking it, he was able to get a look-a-like, which at this point is as close as we want to get. Make sure you remember this, because otherwise you're just looking stupid on the dance floor for no point, and you don't *ever* want to ask a woman, "Wait, you're not Cameron Diaz?".
2) Von Clausewitz preached the reduction of "friction" in military endeavours. Treat the club floor like a military endeavour, at least until you're sure the female primary target is so drunk she won't feel/mind/remember you trying to rub against her.
3) Now, for the actual dance moves: plant your feet at shoulder's width apart. Shift your weight back and forth, and if you have hips, sway them a little at the same time. Try this for a while, all while cannily watching other dancers, feeling their rhythms, and storing their dance moves for future reference.
4) Once you feel prepared, you can vary your motion a little; mix and match the following bits of advice/moves:
-Remember the famous Chinese proverb, "Hipps don't lie".
-Imagine your shoulders and head are bobbling in water, and they need to rise and fall in a wavelike motion known only as the "fPendl"
-Pretend you are playing DDR, and that you are good at it.
-Throwback moves to the disco and Baroque era are highly discouraged, as are any of the following dances: Macarena, Crip Walk, Soulja Boy, Square, Viennese Waltz
-Follow moves from every kung-fu movie you've known, starting with "Wax on, wax off" and moving on from there.
5) Do not stand next to any of the following people, for they will make you look bad: Patrick Swayze, my roommate
6) Do not stand next to any of the following people, because they are creepy: M*ch*g*n fans, Michael Jackson, the blonde doctor from "Lost"
7) If all else fails, pretend you hurt your leg in a skydiving accident and sit in a corner.