Sunday, June 01, 2008

Dreams of Being a (Bad) Hero
A lot of people dream of being heroes in all sorts of ways, for all sorts of reasons. The "Hancock"-esque nature of these dreams is something we don't always like to talk about...So here's my dream:
I've always been blessed with things I don't deserve, and many of those things I wish I could have used better. One of my little fantasies is to win the lottery and give all the money (save for a little bit) away...as anonymously as possible, so when I went to present the checks to the organizations they can coo and tell me what a good person I am and generally inflate my ego. Also, it would definitely give me a HUGE boost in improving my "game", especially with those hot liberal-environmentalist-feminist-activist girls that I am apparently deathly attracted to...

Here's how it would go down:

Assuming, of course, that I can dream big in this fantasy, let's say I play Powerball and win $50,000,000 (Fifty Million Dollars) with the lump-sum payment (I have no idea what the difference is between the lump-sum and the annuity payments but let's say $50 million). The moment that money entered my checking account, it would go out to:

-$20,000,000 to my Alma Mater, with the requirement that at least 50% of it go to establishing scholarships/financial aid and recruitment for underpriviledged students: This is a big one. Building a pipeline that does not consist of rich white Catholic kids will do wonders for my old school.

-$10,000,000 to the JDRF, for Diabetes research: To prove something to myself/exorcise demons.

-$10,000,000 to the Boys and Girls Club where I used to volunteer: I never did anything worth a damn for them other than yell at kids; maybe this will buy me some absolution.

-$5,000,000 to Miqlat/Bowy House: Even with the dollar being weak, this will still buy a lot of aid (no pun intended) in South Africa.

-$1,000,000 to the Jewish Community Center where I used to volunteer, with the requirement that at least $10,000 is used to buy a copier with a collating function: I once spent an afternoon collating 150 copies of the 30-page newsletter the JCC sends out. It was terrible. May this gift somehow keep another poor intern from having to do the same.

-$1,000,000 to the Tin Roof Foundation

-$1,000,000 to the Red Cross

-$1,000,000 to Appalshop

-$500,000 to my university:
Those bastards have so much money it's not even funny. You don't get 7 figures from me.

-$50,000 for my father's wristwatch: My dad has always wanted to own a really, really classy European watch but can't bear the thought of sinking this much money into it. Well, now he can.

-$50,000 for the Intervarsity Scholarship fund at my university: As much as I grumble about them, they are doing good things for people

-$50,000 to bring all my mom's sisters together for a big family reunion: I'm not really sure what they would want to do, but this might help get them together...

-$50,000 to the chapel at my school

-$50,000 to the church that rejected my mom's side of the family:
again, to prove a point

-$40,000 to my brother's band fund: on the condition they never come by my house again to solicit money.

-$200,000 for my brother's college tuition: so he can go wherever he wants

-$10,000 to send my little brother to E3 in May: Because this is the only thing that will really make him happy.






3 comments:

Minh Nguyễn said...

The numbers: toward the bottom, they’re not collated.

Okay, I’ll stop now.

Anonymous said...

if you take the lump sum, you'll have to slice all those numbers in half, because the lump sum option for the lotto generally only gives you about 40-50% of the return. otherwise you have to get it paid out over 20 years or something. and then you still lose a lot to taxes slash inflation.

/more information than you were looking for.


-ryan

Anonymous said...

also, would you really keep NOTHING?

because that's bad ass.