Sunday, June 08, 2008

Story #13: The Appalachian Candidate
So Lauren and I drove out to see Obama's kickoff campaign (after beating Hillary 48 hours earlier) to write about it for a daily news outlet that Lauren works for. This was somewhat distasteful for Lauren, as she is a diehard Republican, and very distasteful for me, as I like the movie Die Hard, and am a Republican.

Obama's kickoff is at a local high school, and is held inside a gym slightly smaller than my high school's. I tune out the bull$#!^ of political discourse and instead try to focus on the *people*, with the following observations (no jokes today, this is a serious blog post):

-Obama is uncannily charismatic, even for a politican. The way he holds the crowd's attention with a mike in his hand makes me wish I could have studied tapes of his oratorical techniques when I was a Mock Trialer. He is also extraordinarily well-coached by his political advisers, and knows how to tailor his message to appeal to the crowd in terms of regionalism.

-One of Obama's secret service agents was a dead ringer for Kyle Singler, the Duke basketball star, right down to the paleness, buzz-cut, and slightly bemused expression.

-From Lauren: "OH MY GOD THESE SECRET SERVICE AGENTS ARE SO HOTTTTT!!!!"

-There was an annoying cameraman who set up a massive '80s-style clunker on a tripod in front of our seats, completely blocking our view. If Obama promises to kill him, the Dems definitely have my vote (as well as the vote of the exasperated older lady behind me)

-Security definitely wasn't nearly as strict as it could have been, as Lauren distracted the guard at the security check with the following dialogue (approximate):
LAUREN [Puts the camera she borrowed from Ryan down on the table, flutters eyelashes] *subvocally* OMFG so hott...
GUARD: Is this yours?
LAUREN [Flutters eyelashes some more]: Oh no, it's not.
GUARD: [Winks] You thief.
LAUREN: Don't tell anyone.

Meanwhile, people without tickets, illegal immigrants, the Joker, and Manchurian Candidates all slip by without being noticed.

-Totally true story: while obfuscating the answer to a question, Obama tried to tell a sob story about a young boy who has an asthma attack due to the machinations of the evil insurance companies:
OBAMA: And, if they had just paid for his ventilator...I mean, his breathalyzer...I mean...you know what I mean...I'm sorry, I haven't had much sleep in the last 48 hours.
LAUREN: *subvocally* Yeah, but you've had a lot to drink...

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