Thursday, February 12, 2009

Selections from "Breakup's Greatest Hits, Album One" (first disc)
The Author and ****
(Taken from the exact transcription of an AIM conversation, circa 2005)

WFS: hey [Author], hows life with you and ****?
The Author: she dumped me.
WFS: WTF? but you had so much chem
The Author: o well.
WFS: so, seen any good movies lately?
The Author: batmn bgins was good.
WFS: yeah, i saw that w/you, remember?

The Author and *****
(taken from a hypnotic-suggestion-revealed repressed memory)

So there I was, sitting at the lunch table, trying to piece together what remained of my ego, picking away at the first plate of Thai Chicken I had eaten as a bachelor in three months. The very sweetness of it seemed to repulse me, the over-breading, the syrupy saacharine "flavor" seeping into the tiny nugget of chicken at the center and rendering a mushy mess, like my life.
Friend 1 and Friend 2 sat down next to me, shadows playing over their faces like the midnight ravens heralding death. Jay had heard the news, and patted me on the shoulder sympathetically. Or maybe mockingly- with Jay it was impossible to tell.
Friend 1 said blithely, "So Maria invited me to [Other School]'s prom next weekend, and I think we should start planning."
Friend 2 said, "Well, not all of us have been invited."
fPendl came over with a bag of greasy tater tots, deftly dancing around the outstretched arms of Friend 3 as he sat down, and said, "Invited to what?"
"[School]'s prom."
"Oh yeah. I haven't been invited."
Friend 1 rolled his eyes. "I mean, come on, you know what's going to happen. I mean, take [the Author] here."
I sighed. "I really don't think I'm going to be invited to Clarke's prom, dude."
Friend 1 snorted. "What, it's not like you're not dating ***** anymore, right?"
I winced slightly.
Friend 1 patted my back. "I keep telling you, man, that Thai chicken will get to you."

Later, as I was walking away, Friend 1 caught up to me. "Did ***** really dump you?"
I sighed and nodded.
Friend 1 shook his head. "I'm sorry, man. Damnit, why does nobody ever tell me these things? I mean, Maria and ***** are best friends-"
fPendl came up behind him. "Wait, you and ***** broke up?"
I glared at him. "Dude, I told you about it this morning!"

K and *******
(taken from an essay entitled "Show and Tell")

I don’t understand my roommate sometimes.
I was sitting alone in our room when he walked in. His shoulders were slumped and his eyes were downcast.
I looked up from my work and said, “Hey.”
“Hey,” he replied.
He went over to his desk and sat down. He spent a moment hooking up his laptop to all its umbilical cords, plugging in his mouse, strapping on a headset, and hunkering down slightly as he started voice-chatting with his teammates.
I went back to staring blankly at my hand-scrawled notes about SN1 and SN2 reactions, turning the page at arbitrary intervals. My roommate occasionally yelled at his teammates or at the computer, but I wasn’t startled at all.
About a half hour later he said, “Hey, do you have a minute?”
I turned around. He had removed his headset and was leaning over the back of his chair, looking at the ground.
“What’s up?”
“She and I aren’t dating anymore. Just thought you should know.”
“Oh. Was it a mutual thing, or—”
“She just didn’t want to do it anymore,” he said.
“I’m sorry, man.”
“Thanks. I’m doing alright, I just don’t want anyone to worry.” He kept staring at the ground. I did too. “Also, I ate the rest of the brownies your mom sent last week.”
“Oh.” I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or frown.
He shrugged, turned back to his computer, put his headset back on, and said, “Sorry guys, I was AFK roommate.”

Zach and *******
(taken from a stream-of-consciousness conversation at ~1 in the morning)

Yeah, I mean, we're not dating anymore. I went over to *******'s house the other day and she and I went up to her room and, and I was like, happy birthday, and she was like, let's not date anymore, and then her parents came in, and they were like, for *******'s birthday we're going to Macaroni Grill, do you want to come along? and I was like, sure, why not, and so we went and I got a nice lasagna and then came back and then we watched a movie and then I went home.

You went to Macaroni Grill with her family...after she just broke up with you?

Yeah, I mean, it's free food, right?

fPendl and Siella
(taken from a phone message check)

Record your message after the tone. *beep*
Hey buddy, I don't know if you saw the Facebook update, but, uh, Siella and I are no longer together. Just thought you should know. Uhh, gimme a call when you can.

Record your message after the tone. *beep*
Uhh, dude? I'm kinda dying here. Why aren't you calling me back?

Record your message after the tone. *beep*
OK [Author], you just drunk dialed Friend 2, how could you not see you missed a call from me? Seriously, I'm DYING here.

Record your message after the tone. *beep*
Hey, did you know that they can arrest you for smoking cigars on top of a parking garage? Call me. And bring bail money.

The Author and *****

(taken from the transcript of a conversation between Kosta and Max)
M: OK, I tap Wrath of God. That's seven damage. *cough* Man, I'm glad you let me build my own deck.
K: Man, I'm down to...ummm...thirteen. Hey, did you hear about [The Author]?
M: No, what happened?
K: It was weird, I was sitting there doing my 104 homework and he came in and booted up Starcraft. He played a Tower Defense map for a while and then turned and asked if we could talk. Then he told me that him and ***** aren't dating anymore. And then he told me he ate all the bahnitza my mom made last week.
M: That's unbelievable.
K: Yeah, I really was hoping to save that bahnitza.
M: No, man, that he was playing Starcraft right after he broke up with *****.
K: It's those Blizzard games, man.
M: God, I love Blizzard games. It's too bad they're banned in my room now.

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