Monday, June 15, 2009

Little Trouble in BigTown #6 (The Ultra-Offensive MINORITIES Issue)

I was recently quite surprised when I realized, on the metro, that there were a large number of Afro-American people on the train. They were just...there, blending in. If I were in Atlanta, I wouldn't notice them because there would be so many of them that it would be instead the white people would stick out. If I were in Asia, I wouldn't notice them because there were so few of them they would disappear into the crowd. But here, they were everywhere, and nowhere, because they didn't clump together as racial minorities are wont to do. That's how we know the civil rights movement has come about full circle: we don't think about other races in terms of them being other races, but rather as being that businessman, that doctor, that mother, that student, that whatever in a crowd full of other businessmen and doctors and mothers and students.

But, alas, although Bill Simmons is busy saying "Ladies and Gentlemen, the OBAMA era!", there is still rampant racism out there. A few days ago I was sitting waiting for a train when an extremely drunk woman came wobbling down the escalator and plopped next to me, her somewhat tipsy husband following quick behind.

She had pale blonde hair and skin to match, which made me think Scandanavian at first, but her slurred accent made her sound like Chekhov from Star Trek.* She made some rude farting noises by pursing her lips and going bppppppppppppt (with those exact letters, like in Calvin and Hobbes). Then she proceeded to deliver the following monologue, which I am recounting as best as I can remember:

"Hey...hey you! Are you Korean? You are Korean. I am sorry, I very drunk right now, I make bad sounds like this *bpppppppppppt* because Koreans fart so much. Is true, I have friend, she is Korean, she is so beautiful and so smart because they build like that [in the background her husband is cradling his head in his hands and mumbling "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry" over and over again] But she is also very bossy because she came in and told us to take care of her kitty-kat for a week. For a WEEK!"

[She takes a breath as a train rumbles by. Her husband mumbled something about how their Korean friend had earlier taken care of their dog for a week and was just asking for a favor]

"Whatever, don't listen to him. I am very drunk right now. He, not so much. But yes, Koreans. They are beautiful and smart and bossy. [Me: So where are you from?] Poland, we are Polish Polish Polish, but not him *indicates her husband* he live here since he was fifteen. We eat cabbage a lot. Cabbage is bad for stomach, but good for soul. What did you do tonight? I got drunk"

[Another breath. Her husband can still be heard going "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry..."]

"What did you do tonight? [Me: I went out with my girlfriend] Oh you have girlfriend? Is she pretty? [Me: I'd like to think so] What did you do? [Saw a movie] What movie? Wait, don't tell me. You watched Star Trek, didn't you. All Koreans love Star Trek, they love it so much."

["I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry"]

"I like Star Trek too. I went in only because he wanted to, because he is geek. Huge geek. But I didn't expect to like it, but it was good. I couldn't decide who I would want first, blonde one or brown-haired one."

At this point (or thereabouts) my train arrived and I politely said goodnight, and even managed to make it into a subway car and behind the protection of a window before bursting out laughing.

More on Poles later...

*Star Trek IV has to be one of the most underrated and unintentionally hilarious films of all time.

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