Tuesday, November 23, 2010

For Women Everywhere

After some unfortunate incidents regarding the treatment and objectification of women on campus at some of America's great universities, I decided to try to put together something that might help women to strike back. A rallying call, if you will, using the power of film to create a movement that will help them strike back.

EXT. Courtyard- DAY

Camera pan over a blue and white SIGN that says "Campus Women's Center". It's a cold, gray winter morning, and standing there under the sign is the FLY GIRL, a haughty-looking dark-haired girl who steps forward-

Ten hut! Eyes FORWARD!

There's an explosive PAH of condensation from the breath of LIEUTENANT ALICE RAIN. She is a hillbilly from the mountains of West Virginia, and has one defining physical characteristic: a long SCAR running down her neck, as if she made a mistake shotgunning a beer once. This scar will never once be mentioned.

My name is Lt. Alice Rain, and I'm putting together a special team. And I need eight soldiers. Eight...Shrew-ish....Amer-ican sold-iers.

Pan across the legs of eight SORORITY WOMEN, all stepping forward in synchronized motion, their identical UGG BOOTS scuffing the pavement. They are all dressed identically in LEGGINGS, MINISKIRTS, DESIGNER SCARVES, and NORTH FACE JACKETS/PULLOVERS.

Now, y'all might'a heard rumors about a midnight cookout run happenin' soon. Well, we'll be leavin' a little earlier. We're going to be droppin' onto campus, dressed as sorority sisters. And once we're in enemy territory, as a bush-thwacking, guerilla army, we're goin' to be doin' one thing and one thing only: p0wn'n frat bros.

Pan across the Gucci, Tory Burch, and Louis Vuitton HANDBAGS the sorority women are carrying.

Members of the Inter-Fraternity Council have conquered this campus through intimidation, rohypnol, and flagrantly sexist social norms. And that's exactly what we're gonna do to them. Now I don't know about y'all, but I didn't come down from the underdiversified commodity economy of the Appalachian mountains, buy Halloween costumes designed to snugly fit a 12-year-old girl, and fight my way through the postmodern social networking of PanHel rush to teach frat bros lessons in humanity. Frat bro's ain't got no humanity. They're the foot soldiers of white male heterosexual privilege. That's why each and every son-of-a-Michigan-fan we find wearin' a popped collar, they're gonna die.

Fly Girl smirks in slow motion.

We will be cruel to the frat stars, and through our cruelty, they will know who we are. They will find the evidence of our cruelty, in the disembowed, dismembered, and disfigured bodies of their brothers we leave behind us. And the frats will not be able to help themselves from imagining the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our stiletto heels, and the edge of Juicy Campus and CollegeABC. And they will be sickened by us. And they will talk about us. And And when the Broseph's close their eyes at night, and their sub conscious tortures them for the evil they've done, it will be with thoughts of us, that it tortures them with. (beat) Sound good?

All of the Sorority Women step forward.

Yes Ma'am!

I got a word of warning for all you would-be feminists. When you join my command, you take on debit. A debit you owe me, personally. Every woman under my command, owes me, one hundred Natty light tabs. (beat) And I want my tabs.

TITLE CARD: Quentin Tarantino presents: INGLOURIOUS BEETCHES

Monday, November 22, 2010

Because We Can't Get Enough Ricky Stanzi

First, if you haven't seen Ricky Stanzi, quarterback of the Iowa Hawkeyes, declare his love for America, please follow this link and watch the video of him proclaiming "USA Number 1" after winning the Orange Bowl in 2010.

Second, Ricky has a problem with the communists who live in Iowa City:

There is a possibility that Ricky Stanzi may have sat in on a class with a communist. Yes, the American quarterback, the "Love it or leave it, USA No. 1" quarterback, might have shared class space with a Marxist, socialist or communist. We are talking Iowa City and the University of Iowa.

"I don't know how other colleges are, but when you walk around here, you've got people ... you’ve got guys walking around in dresses and just these hippies," Stanzi said. "They're doing nothing. There's the Ped Mall area down there, right in the middle. Those people are going nowhere. Those people are the people who don't like America.

"They always find something wrong with [America]. They're the problem. They're the people who need to change and figure it out. They need to get it together and work hard."

(h/t: Dr. Saturday via OurHonorDefend)